Why I came to work after getting married

"Your coming to work afterward? Wow, Joyce will never be considered high maintenance,” exclaimed my supervising physician after informing him of our decision.

The decision to return to work after a civil Zoom wedding left everyone amazed. I suppose it is understandable. It just seemed practical to me – someone who is still paying off her debt, someone who lately has been asking for last minute days off for one reason or another, someone who doesn’t feel the need for all the pomp and circumstance. While a civil Zoom wedding seemed like a major disappointment in the beginning, it fast became my friendly companion.

VJ had given a large gift bag of His / Her goodies to satisfy us newly weds in their half-baked ceremony. At least there is a plethora of little things that we could appreciate in celebration. It sat at my desk space until I had time in between patients to look inside. It was a colorful hodgepodge of premium quality loose leaf teas from Australia, luxury fine chocolates from Japan, His & Her fancy tumblers, scented candles, etc.. It could have brought me to tears seeing this bright gleaming bag of gifts mostly because I get so surprised to receive any gifts, but also because it came from such an unlikely person. It truly touched my heart that a medical assistant decided to go the extra mile to gift us this fun looking loot!

Why did we decide to come to work?

It is the very reason why Cong and I were at a standstill in the beginning when it came to marriage. We both agreed that marriage is simply a symbol of our effort to dedicate our lives to a relationship that will offer unconditional love, acceptance, wisdom, loyalty and companionship in its greatest sense. It is a turning point in our spiritual lives wherein we submit to selflessness in support of each others strengths and weaknesses, and work towards building each other up to become our best versions. I saw a marriage ceremony as a milestone to achieve in the development of greater spiritual growth, and supported matrimony. By the same token, Cong saw this was a reason not to pursue it because it is merely a continuation of a pre-existing relationship already in the works. Neither of us thought highly of the diamond or the wedding industry for their superficial inflation of the moment. These are all the reasons why we decided to come to work after the wedding.

But there’s something about marriage I don’t seem to readily understand, something that winks at me now and then in the little nuances I stumble upon during my days. There is something phenomenal about marriage, as though walking through an invisible dimension, all is revealed to me. I imagine parenthood would be the same. A lot of people would say that marriage is a lot of hard work, complete with a furrowed brow or perhaps a scowl. After having blown through the honeymoon phase of the relationship as usual, newly weds ought to have a basic understanding of this.

ZA had something else to share, though, as she came to her 3 month follow up visit. Throughout the months, ZA had been shifting from one transition period to another, and I saw the sporadic changes of her well-being with each of her appointments. One visit, I was met with extreme anxiety as she was all too concerned with making it back home to her husband who was ill. Another visit, I was met with grief as she expressed her weighted concerns of her husband who had a terminal illness. Another visit, she was mourning for the death of her husband. In all of these visits, very little time was spent on the actual medical topic itself. The majority of my time spent with her was to give her listening therapy because I believed this would be the most therapeutic in the time I could afford. Of course, we appropriately covered everything we needed to regarding her health, but in significantly less time. She very easily spoke about her husband as the first topic, which is very telling. In today’s visit, I could see lighter and brighter energy in her. Her energy felt less like a heavy metal. Her energy exhibited more bounciness and vibrancy.

“Forty years,” she said with raised eyebrows. She leaned in as she said this, “We were married for 40 years.”

ZA reminisced not of the death itself, but more of the good times she shared with her late husband. She smiled with a twinkle in her eye as she recalled the fondest memories. She said that they only had a civil wedding, like me, but that they had always planned to have a formal wedding when they had been married for 45 years. They had always wanted a big wedding surrounded by family and friends. Much to her dismay, this would never happen.

And on his deathbed, he asked her if she would move on after he died. She cried and said, “I could never love another person,” and they wept together not long before he passed.

“He was so good to me, I can't imagine anyone else who could make me as happy,” she came back to the present time.

My perspective was biased. Initially, I thought that if your spouse were to die, that they would want you to be happy – which sometimes requires that you seek out another relationship.

When I heard her response, I asked, “Was he happy with what you said?”

She said, “Yes! We cried together there in the hospital!” Even though she was wearing a surgical face mask, I could see the smile wrinkles that collected at the corners of her eyes. She smiled widely.

In my naivete, I realized my logic was flawed. SOMETIMES, happiness requires another relationship. It is perfectly normal to be fulfilled with your self, and SOMETIMES you met everyone in your life you’re supposed to meet in order to understand your own spirituality. It is my opinion that ZA understood life better than I did, and it was something beautiful and memorable for me to remember. She made me believe that marriage could really be a romance story even if you’re not in a fairytale. Contrary to all those people who continue to struggle to make things work, ZA was on the other side of the spectrum where she loved with all of her heart and was rewarded for it with reciprocity from her best friend.

“Woman to woman,” she said, “I wish you all the happiness and joy there is to offer for you two!”

WOMAN TO WOMAN, she said. It felt as though there was an unspoken society of married women who inherently understood the secret to matrimony. Married women who have had the good fortune of understanding love, that is. I had spent years in silent reflection and in moments of love trying to explore my definition of love and matrimony. We spend our whole lives exploring the topic of love. Sometimes we sort of just throw ourselves into it and hope something sticks. Other times, there is a glimmer of hope that we can acquire that which seems so mystical and elusive to all of mankind. One thing is for certain. If I could ever hope to attain the thing that ZA treasured, I would have to take a chance.

I wish I told her that I aspired to be like her, but I was so moved by her happiness in the moment.

Here’s to marriage!